IM WRITING THIS WHY

Well anyone can look at my record and see I have been in trouble over the years. I have spent a total of 7 years locked up and before the past few years I didn't want to change didn't know how. Hell being bad is what I was told I was good at being. Was this true, well? I was pretty damn good at it so I've been told. Not being a bad person per say, but being a bad boy, a rebel, someone who didn't follow the rules. I said that didn't I? There''s a lot to be said for what a little girl will do to a bad boys heart. I mean my God who gets All As one B and a F in conduct? Yep that would be me. I was raised by Tony Montana and all the cool gangster movies back in that era I saw the rise and fall of all these characters that started with nothing and rose to the top only to be met by an evil death in some violent fashion. Maybe these guys died an early death but at least for a brief moment in their short lives they got the opportunity to do it their way, they called the shots, they bought Porsches in cash when the salesman balked at such a person buying such a car- until the duffle bag opened up then it was yes sir no sir. They got to have a time when no one looked down on them anymore, when it didnt matter if they didn't feel a part of anything- they made their own and they were their own part of everything. I never thought I would live past 27 because that's when my dad died. I always figured a gunfight  or a car bomb or something of that sort would kill me.......or maybe it would be the drugs. Maybe I would be  as fortunate as my father was to be taken away from this life of pain and hurtful people. Even up to this day there is nothing that scares me not even death in fact for a long time it was welcomed and I pushed everything to the limit doing things others were too scared to do. Even at 40 years old I am finally realizing that I am a part of something, Im realizing I do have a family that loves me although I feel like it is shown in strange ways. I can only imagine what they must have thought seeing their son, brother, and nephew keep going down the same road over and over again. I can sit here and say that I would go to extreme measures to save my daughter even if it meant putting my own self in jeopardy. That's just me though. I have come to some sudden realizations the past few years and even I thought I would never change, like it was impossible for me to change and why would I want to? I had grown accustomed to a few good years at a time of fast cars and faster women, Gucci, Prada- and damn I had a lotta. Then a few years in the penitentiary to rest up, meet new connections, and do it all over again each time doing it bigger than the last. What a bunch of fucking bullshit I was feeding myself. I just wanted to be liked by everyone and hated by the rest. My quest to find a true unconditional love was jaded by the images that pop culture had planted in my head when I was younger. Im not sure I didn't know what love was or how to give it back until a year or so ago.  Now when little Jayden Paul sits in my lap and she hugs my neck I know what unconditional love is all about. It's not the measurement of someones social or financial status or someone elses ability to do things for me. I really carried around a distorted image of what love really is. Now I know the difference and I am hoping that it's not too late. I'm hoping I haven't wrecked my life so badly that it is going to be impossible to repair all the wrong that I have done. It is looking like a 50/50 chance with the odds increasing in my favor thank the good Lord. I guess when I finally had a little girl that the whole game changed but it took me trying to save my baby's mama from prison I managed to get another charge after helping Mike Cooley after he came to me and asked me as long as he signed the affidavit admitting that the police coerced him to lie about seeing drugs at my house. After a Lexus,a house, a Rolex Yachtmaster, and around ten thousand dollars he decided to flip the script AGAIN. After spending well over a 100 grand I decided it was time for me to try to change the years of  the hedonistic lifestyle that I led for so long. Is it too late? Well I guess we will see. Im giving it hell. Only time will tell.

Back In The Saddle

Have you ever been heading in a direction in your life where you knew you were heading in the right direction, had the map all laid out, confident that it was best thing? Well so was I and in life things change, people places and things- they change. I took a haitus to reevaluate my goals and buckle down so that I could come up with a plan more fitting for what Im really trying to achieve here which is pretty complicated. I have recently heard, " You'll never get your dautghter back, you don't have a real job (doing interventions) and you don't even have your own place or insurance or a car." Since then I have thought about that statement every single day. While reconstructing my life I have since then got a job that supplies a regular paycheck (hopefully pretty hefty ones too), I got a new place, and I should also be getting my BMW back from the sheriff in a few weeks. Who is doubting now? Plenty I'm sure. It's easy to lend a hand to someone who is already doing good because they don't need a whole lot. Well when you are facing a life sentence people tend to be apprehensive on wasting their time on something that may not pan out. Well I dont see it like that. Truth be told I sold everything I had even my Macbook to get into a place and make a feeble attempt to stay alive in the game. Hell I have been scraping by waiting for my first check to hit and it's coming soon. I slept on the floor in my empty apartment for over a week, gone to bed hungry, just showed up at friends houses at dinner time to get an invite to curb my hunger, got power turned off while trying to transfer the service in the mid summer heat, dodged the police because my registration is out, ran out of anything to drink  even water and had to gaffle a refillable big gulp cup from 7-11 to get free refills. The list goes on. These things most people take for granted. I remember a few years back I lived in a 5800sqft home in an exclusive community without a worry in the world. Ill tell you this every single person that came to me I helped no matter how big or how small the favor was even if it put a little stress on my good livin' for the moment. I'll tell ya what when the shoe is on the other foot it's never the same. Hell I had to coast the old Mercedes into downtown to report because I was out of gas, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT IM STILL MAKING IT-IM STILL A CONTENDER. 24 months on bond probation with UAs every week (300 behind on those fees) with every single one clean! How do you like those apples? I wanted to write about my everyday occurrences, but when I was going to use the free wifi at McDonalds and get a McDouble for a dollar and the rest in gas I got pulled over. I was lucky enough, once again, not to get a ticket at all or arrested. Who knew? Felt strange to be treated like a normal citizen for once by the man. Actually it was a young guy and he was really professional and courteous. Anyways here I am strapped with a story to tell that has to be heard. Im a believer because if I wasn't I'd be dead right now or already down in Huntsville doing a long stretch. It''s all really emotional but there are no more ups and downs, things remain at an even scale so that I am always able to make the right decision. Jim got my cases set off untill the end of summer so it gives me a little time to get some money together. We are looking at illegal warrants and things are turning in my favor big time. Now it's time for everything else to start falling into place. It's like this everyone says you need to change and you do and it still isnt enough. I know who I am and fuck the ones who think Im not good enough, Who needs them? God know I have enough working against me so I just choose not to acknowledge the crappy things people say, this is about me not their half witted opinions. Im down for mine and no one can tell me differently. Off to work good day everyone!!!!