IM WRITING THIS WHY

Well anyone can look at my record and see I have been in trouble over the years. I have spent a total of 7 years locked up and before the past few years I didn't want to change didn't know how. Hell being bad is what I was told I was good at being. Was this true, well? I was pretty damn good at it so I've been told. Not being a bad person per say, but being a bad boy, a rebel, someone who didn't follow the rules. I said that didn't I? There''s a lot to be said for what a little girl will do to a bad boys heart. I mean my God who gets All As one B and a F in conduct? Yep that would be me. I was raised by Tony Montana and all the cool gangster movies back in that era I saw the rise and fall of all these characters that started with nothing and rose to the top only to be met by an evil death in some violent fashion. Maybe these guys died an early death but at least for a brief moment in their short lives they got the opportunity to do it their way, they called the shots, they bought Porsches in cash when the salesman balked at such a person buying such a car- until the duffle bag opened up then it was yes sir no sir. They got to have a time when no one looked down on them anymore, when it didnt matter if they didn't feel a part of anything- they made their own and they were their own part of everything. I never thought I would live past 27 because that's when my dad died. I always figured a gunfight  or a car bomb or something of that sort would kill me.......or maybe it would be the drugs. Maybe I would be  as fortunate as my father was to be taken away from this life of pain and hurtful people. Even up to this day there is nothing that scares me not even death in fact for a long time it was welcomed and I pushed everything to the limit doing things others were too scared to do. Even at 40 years old I am finally realizing that I am a part of something, Im realizing I do have a family that loves me although I feel like it is shown in strange ways. I can only imagine what they must have thought seeing their son, brother, and nephew keep going down the same road over and over again. I can sit here and say that I would go to extreme measures to save my daughter even if it meant putting my own self in jeopardy. That's just me though. I have come to some sudden realizations the past few years and even I thought I would never change, like it was impossible for me to change and why would I want to? I had grown accustomed to a few good years at a time of fast cars and faster women, Gucci, Prada- and damn I had a lotta. Then a few years in the penitentiary to rest up, meet new connections, and do it all over again each time doing it bigger than the last. What a bunch of fucking bullshit I was feeding myself. I just wanted to be liked by everyone and hated by the rest. My quest to find a true unconditional love was jaded by the images that pop culture had planted in my head when I was younger. Im not sure I didn't know what love was or how to give it back until a year or so ago.  Now when little Jayden Paul sits in my lap and she hugs my neck I know what unconditional love is all about. It's not the measurement of someones social or financial status or someone elses ability to do things for me. I really carried around a distorted image of what love really is. Now I know the difference and I am hoping that it's not too late. I'm hoping I haven't wrecked my life so badly that it is going to be impossible to repair all the wrong that I have done. It is looking like a 50/50 chance with the odds increasing in my favor thank the good Lord. I guess when I finally had a little girl that the whole game changed but it took me trying to save my baby's mama from prison I managed to get another charge after helping Mike Cooley after he came to me and asked me as long as he signed the affidavit admitting that the police coerced him to lie about seeing drugs at my house. After a Lexus,a house, a Rolex Yachtmaster, and around ten thousand dollars he decided to flip the script AGAIN. After spending well over a 100 grand I decided it was time for me to try to change the years of  the hedonistic lifestyle that I led for so long. Is it too late? Well I guess we will see. Im giving it hell. Only time will tell.