I HAVE SUDDENLY REALIZED THAT

I am within a few weeks, again, of some life determining court dates. Sure I like to bust people's chops and get controversial on occassion, but there is a genuinely loving, caring person on the inside. Was Jesus a dopeman? Am I Jesus? King of the Jews maybe? Am I a dopeman? Were Jesus and I both dopemen? What is that anyway? Well I am not Jesus but the Bible is about me. I am a dopeman. I am close to either becoming another sad unnessesary casualty to the war on drugs or a renegade life saving influence on those not as fortunate as I am.. I am a dopeman. I am a dope man for wandering aimlessly through life in drug filled haze knowing that deep down inside there was a person who had more potential than could be harnassed in a lifetime. That's why at 40 I have decided to take responsibility for the guilt and anger that plagued me for my entire life and today I am lucky enough to be able to apply technonlogy that helps me identify when my condition slides back and how to sytematically get back to a normal state or a power condition which I am always seeking. I finally am able to see why people have taken certain positons with me where before I could not and would not understand. I would like to commend those people and I may have cussed and acted like a child but don't take it personally because I see it now and thank you all. Is someone elses happiness my responsibility? Is being King of the Jews a responsibilty? Possibly. I can't be responsible for anyone's happiness but I'll tell you what, it wasn't until I became happy myself that I could even entertain anything like that. My responsibility, NO. My duty? Well it's now my duty to lead by example and show folks that if I am the bad  terrible man the courts have said that I am then a true miracle has transpired. If I can do it and show people a way out aside from just going to prison to die instead of confronting yourself and your demons then  yes it is my responsibility.
Drugs seemed cool at one time, they made me feel great, or better than I was feeling anyway. They gave me power, control, money, beatiful women, and a false sense of entitlement to be above the law. Not only was I good looking and rich but I was also really good in the bedroom . If you want to ride in the Benz and get blown into outer space with a rich good looking playboy with a huge cock then get in bitch! Expensive taste,drugs, women, wine, and motherfucking rock and roll. I just loved to party, to be the center of attention and let the guys know that if they were'nt doing their job that I would slide in and become their girlfreind or wife's new hobby before they could blink. You know I had to represent. I made it possible for the white man not to be embarrassed to take showers in the locker room with the black man any longer. I must admit I am still a huge fan of the pump and use one regulalry. I feel like if you aren't giving your woman all you can then you are out of the game. If you can pump up the dingus to astronomic proportions then I think you should do it. Penis size has become a real political topic and one relates his power or bank account to his love muscle. Is it shallow? Hedonistic pleasures still haunt me unfortunately but I can find harmony in the balance of a spiritual existence as well. The key is not to do thre same thing for long periods of time and thats ironic because if it feels good do it. Maintain a healthy existence in all you do. I did drugs for so long that my ability to deal with life stopped at a very young age. There is something to say about experience now, I realized. It surpasses any kind of book knowledge tenfold. After having to repair the second door in a year and a half from getting blown off the hinges by eager to kill police I realized that after a few months totally off drugs that life was new and bright. I had not experienced that in 2 decades, I didn't want to didn't have to. I went to the penitentiary in 1997 after spending a year in a probation violation program in Lubbock Texas a few years before that. I have  been behind bars for 7 years total and it gave me enough time to act a donkey and get out to procure the newest Beemer or Lexus on the market and try to make up for lost time with freaky sex. ( as I wipe the sweat from my brow!!!) I had drifted all these years A: without a father B: no idea how to deal with life and confront my problems- SO I GOT HIGH and I loved the fast life. Slowly my soul was sucked from my body and I became an adult with a childhood mentality. Its embarrassing but true. I learned to be a man from Frank White in King of New York which is ironic,again, because I have a mob of full blooded Italian realtives in New York, Italy and my grandma said some of which migrated to Argentina as well. I loved my grandma so much and my heart is still broken over being locked up in Denton Texas and having my mother come for the second time in two years to tell she she had died..I sat up there years while  the prosecutors were playing underhanded games who knew the case was illegal coming from 65 years down to a minimum plea bargain after going back and forth for months and my team of attorneys had declared ready for trial a year prior to that. Those dirty motherfuckers never intended to go to trial they never subpoenaed the main witness against me. They couldn't do the white thing and settle since the case was illegal. I was held responsible for breaking the law but the prosecutors can twist and manipulate the cases because they are above the law? My only friend at that time was Rocco my part Great Dane part Staffordshire that got shot by police too. What the fuck ever man. I regret that to this minute. Now that I have mentioned all the great fun things that drugs brought into my life let me start to tell you the rest of the things, starting with the last two, that they took away from me. Drugs took everything I have ever loved away. The glamoorous life took away my daughter, my sister, my mother, my father, and the rest of the abundace of truly phoenominal people in my life. Both the only dogs I ever had got killed by police. I lost Leddy who blessed me with a beautiful daughter and chances of a dream of my own family. I lost my best friend Marcus whom I loved like a real brother. I lost all my friends that were good people and coulldn't chance being linked to a gangster from the penitentiary on drugs, can you blame them? I can't. I have seen so many people's lives get destroyed besides mine and it is truly sickening. Great people with brilliant minds and lots of love would be transformed into a really ugly existence. People like to say that yeah they had it in them somewhere to be theat piece of shit. Let me tel you one thing tht's bullshit. People are born innocent and geniunely good, but people on drugs absoloutely make desicions and do things they would never do otherwise. That's what the system has to realize. People can get better they can be cured. They can change a whole life of making all the wrong desicions and doing terrble things. Not all but a huge percentage that aren't truly mentally ill can be cured. It was never about the actual drug use for me I dont think. It was the fact that I did not know how to deal with life or function as a normal productive tax paying citzen. It has taken a 18 billion dollar deficit in this state to finally make these bureaucrats wake up and have to deal with this truth in our prison state. Lets take a look at the real impact of the fact that it costs less to rehabilitate someone than to lock them up. How can our government continue to contest this issue? Well all the fat hillbilly crooked assholes arent getting rich off it anymore because there is no more money. Let's face it, the true reform of society lies in the rehabilitation of these people with me being one. The real criminals are the ones who sat there and capitalized on the facade of rehabilitation in the prison system. Come on the classes are all a joke and there is nothing but hatred and violence, murder and rape being bred in all thse facilities, but all those OFENDERS are tucked away out of the public view where these crooked politicians can convey this big fake picture to the public so they can get richer. As Texans we have to ttake a stand and demand for the government to help us for once and not by giving dope fucked crack dealers driving brand new Cadillacs 200 hundred bucks a month for food, housing assistance and insurance along with all the other perks. Lets train these people with drug offenses to become productive citizens so we can strengthen out cities and our state for the future of our children. I have benn there and I have seen a guy who got caught driving drunk three times or a young kid 18 years old who got busted with a little powder in his pocket next to a child rapist, a murderer, or dangerous gangbangers. DOES THAT MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE. My goal is to be an example of how that system works better than prisons so that we can ensure some kind of future for our children and promote happiness and productivity. Peace. j